Post by Admin on Jan 4, 2007 11:01:30 GMT -8
I wrote this one for the newsletter of Mauisun.org way back in the day. I didn't get paid for it but it was still technically 'published'. lol.
This story is very ... strange. I'd like to continue this someday but I'm not entirely sure how. ;D
So without further ado .. I bring you ...
The Grape Avenger
by TJ McQuarrie (2000)
"No more, I can't remember no more of what, but that doesn't matter any more. For I am the Grape Avenger."
The scene cuts to a close up of a deeply purple grape.
"Beware evil doers, for this grape shall end your reign of terror!!!!"
**commercial break**
"Do you have sticky hair? We at the Hair Institute feel your pain and have just the solution. WASH YOUR HAIR!!!!. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger lurks in his bell tower, on alert for crime.
"Say, I never noticed how dusty this bell tower is....or how many bats are in here. Hey, BEAT IT, don't you have a manic depressive guys cave to hang upside down in or something."
Our hero is still waving his arms about, even though the bats have long since flown away, when a young longhaired man in a tie-dyed t-shirt enters the bell tower.
"Hey man, whatcha doin"
"I'm waving my arms about, Tie-dye Boy"
"No man, I'm mean like...why dude?"
"To get rid of the bats of course."
"Like, what bats man?"
"Ah HA, see the effectiveness of my plan. All the bats have fled. I shall add this to the Tactics of a Low Budget Superheroes Handbook that I'm writing. Catchy title, don't you think?"
"Uh."
The Grape Avenger and Tie-dye boy stand silently without moving for a very long time.
**Commercial break**
"Are you mentally ill? If the answer is yes then you should run for political office."
"This message brought to you by the Foundation for a Sane Earth Society. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger and Tie-dye boy are still standing motionless.
"Well?"
"Well what man?"
"I forget. Say sidekick, I think its time to fight some crime."
"I ain't your sidekick man."
"Then why are you in my Bell tower."
"This isn't a bell tower man, this the beach. Are you okay dude? Do you want me to like, call you a lifeguard or something?"
"Since somebody seems to have hit you on the head with a large mallet Tie-dye Boy, I think I'll let you skip your crime fighting duties today."
"Whatever man."
Tie-dye Boy dives out the window of the bell tower and swims away through the sky.
**Commercial break**
"Are you tired of annoying commercial breaks like this one, if so we at the Irritating Gadgets for Commercials Headquarters have just the thing for you. With the mere flip of a switch you can release a pack of rabid wolverines on steroids into the studios of the commercial broadcaster. We have found that this is a very ... hey .. what was.. OH MY GOD NO...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES...THE WOLVERINES ARE LOOSE......Now back to the show!"
The Grape Avenger gathers his Mystical Slingshot and the bucket of Never-Ending Grapes before standing in the window, teetering on the edge of the sill with the Mystical Slingshot raised up towards the green sky.
"Beware evil doer...for I know who you are!"
"Stay away from the crazy man Honey."
"Yes mommy."
"When Tie-Dye Boy was struck senseless, I knew something was wrong. But my grape instincts tell me that this is the work of the Bad Guy. I shall defeat you Bad Guy, and restore this city to its senses."
"Did he get hit in the head?"
"I don't know man, he was like, talking at me earlier. I think he escaped from the loony bin or something dude."
"Are you alright mister? I'm a lifeguard, do you need an ambulance or the police?"
"Mer-man!!! You've come to aid me!!"
"Told ya this dude was like, out there...."
**narrator**
Will the Grape Avenger find Bad Guy before it's too late?
Will Tie-Dye Boy come to his senses as the Avenger hopes?
Is Mer-Man really going to help the Grape Avenger or is he an agent of Bad Guy?
Find out next week when DLTV brings you another episode of....
THE GRAPE AVENGER!!!!!
Same Grape time.
Same Grape Channel.
*******A word from the Studio*******
A fat greasy man is sitting at a large plastic desk, in a large plastic chair, while looking at a large piece of plastic on the plastic desk. He raises his hand and waves as he smokes a large plastic cigar.
"Hi there viewers. After finally watching The Grape Avenger, I've decided that it needs some changes. For one...all that purple is really hard on the eyes. Another thing that bothers me is that I can't follow the story. I realize that I may not be 'young' and 'hip', but this stuff makes no sense at all. The fact that it is really hard to inject product placement into the delusional world of this so-called superhero and make that product look good is bad for marketing which is bad for programming. It goes back to the purple thing I mentioned earlier......hey, what the....you're not supposed to wander around in costume...."
The fat man in the plastic chair behind the plastic desk is suddenly bombarded by a million small purple objects flying in from off-screen, burying him underneath a mountain of the sticky purpley gooey splattered grapes.
"The Grape Avenger Strikes Again, Come on Tie-dye boy. Let us go find more evil doers!"
"Dude, you got grapes all over my TV...."
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF THE GRAPE AVENGER
Deep ominous purple background, with a single grape coming into focus. A narrators voice whispers ominously.
"Tonight’s episode, Spawn of the Bad Guy."
The Grape Avenger stands at the only window looking out of the dusty Bell Tower of Freedom and takes a deep breath as a hail of flaming meteorites pummel the earth outside.
"Ah, this city is beautiful at night isn't it Mer-man?"
"Listen fella, I've been really nice up till now but you really have to go. The beach is closed."
"You're right Mer-man, I should go on patrol. You keep the Bell Tower of Freedom safe from evil-doers."
"Uh right."
The Grape Avenger leaps from the window of the Bell Tower of Freedom and swims off through the sky, towards Megasuburbia City.
***Commercial break***
"Do you have fly away hair? If so, we at the Hair Institute have a solution for the problem of flyaway hair. Admit you are bald and stop wearing 'toupees' already. Everyone can tell. It really looks bad. Contact us today and we'll give a discount on haircuts for victims of the comb over. Now back to the show"
The Grape Avenger stands on a cliffside, looking down at Megasuburbia City. In one hand he holds the Mystical Slingshot ready, in the other a single grape. Below him, the city teems with life.
"Behold, the Grape of Justice. With this grape I shall put an end to the Bad Guy once and for all. None can stand before the awesome power of the Grape of Justice."
The Grape Avenger looks into the camera and smiles.
"And I have a whole Bucket of them."
The Grape Avenger leaps from the cliff and glides gently into the city, on the lookout for Evildoers.
"Hey, look out you idiot, this is the Bike path. People on foot walk over there you moron."
"You're welcome young fellow, It's nice to be appreciated for fighting the Bad Guy. I'll make sure to mention you in my upcoming book, The Tactics of a Low Budget Superheroes Handbook."
"Freakin loon."
"Since everything seems normal here, I believe I'll head into the rougher part of town and patrol there. Obviously, some other superhero is patrolling here."
The Grape Avenger walks down the orange trail winding through the giant mushrooms.
**Commercial break**
"Surprise"
"Die Scum!!"
A machine gun rat-at-at-tats loudly. Lights come on and there are bloody dead people with party hats strewn about a room filled with happy birthday signs, party streamers, and a large birthday cake. A voice intones in the background.
"Think you've made a terrible mistake? We here at the Holy Rolling Evangelical Corpse Raising Company can help. No Job is too small. We can fix those little mistakes. Trust us. Special discount if you are 'associated' with Machine Gun Bob. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger stands outside the rougher part of town, which is a large grey prison. Inside a monstrous television screen towers over everything else, dwarfing the cowering peasants chained to chairs before it. He looks around but can't find any way past the iron bars. Then a face appears..The Face of Horror.
"Bad Guy."
Another face appears beside the Face of Horror, but The Grape Avenger looks confused. Both are waving to a large crowd of people who are waving banners painted with green blood.
"Bad Guy has an Army. This is very bad. And that creature beside Bad Guy...It looks familiar..and yet so different..Oh no....it can't be. The world is in more trouble than I thought. Something very wrong has happened...I MUST find Tie-dye boy and cure him. I will need his help. Back to the Bell Tower of Freedom."
"What was that honey?"
"I don't know. I'm watching the news...stop bugging me."
***Commercial break***
Blip
Blip
Blip
Booooooooooooooooooop
"This message has been brought to you by the people at Blipblipblipboop. Have a nice day. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger arrives back at the Bell Tower of Justice just in time to find Tie-dye boy lounging on the Couch of Justice with someone unfamiliar.
"Tie-Dye Boy, come we must go quickly!"
"What the..."
"Oh maaaaan....it's like, that freak I was telling you about dude."
"I have terrible news Tie-dye boy, the most terrible of all."
"Look dude, I'm like, NOT your sidekick man."
"How can this be, after all we've been through together and now this. It must be the work of Bad Guy. I must find a cure for Tie-Dye Boy and then we can fight the Armies of Bad Guy together."
"This guy is trippy."
"Dude, this guy is like, uber trippy."
"I WILL Defeat the Armies of Bad Guy and face this new minion of evil that Bad Guy hides behind. Not even the SPAWN OF BAD GUY can stand before the might of The Grape Avenger."
***Narrator***
Will The Grape Avenger cure Tie-Dye boy?
And who is this mysterious stranger with our hero’s sidekick?
Will the Grape Avenger be able to wade through the hordes of the Spawn of Bad Guy and defeat the evildoers?
Will he ever come face to face with Bad Guy?
Find out next week when DLTV brings you another episode of....
THE GRAPE AVENGER!!!!!
Same Grape time.
Same Grape Channel.
***A word from DLTV***
A young longhaired man is sitting on the floor in the middle of a large and mostly empty room. Before him on the floor is a laptop computer that glows ominously. No wires come from or go to the thin little computer. To his right is a wide multi-coloured hookah that stands four feet tall with a huge bowl in the top. A thin hose comes from the pipe and is curled neatly around the base. To his left is a water cooler. Behind him a large crimson chicken is scampering after a blue cat in order to tickle it.
"Hi. In this time between episodes of The Grape Avenger we here at Dark Light Television would like to address the concerns of a few of our viewers."
The young man pulls a sheaf of paper out of thin air and holds it up to read.
"The official statement is this. The Grape Avenger is an independent show which we here at Dark Light Television have no control over in terms of content."
The sheaf of paper is tossed aside where it is quickly shredded by the laughing cat as the chicken tickles it. The young man makes another sheaf of paper appear out of thin air.
"So we took our viewers concerns to the producers of the show and they released the following statement."
The young man sits a little straighter and suddenly looks very official. He clears his throat and begins.
"Look dude, for some reason my TV like, started showing me what this freaky guy, who was following me around, was seeing man. I thought like, hey I should like, record this man, otherwise the cable company wouldn't believe me dude. So I like, started doing that and I thought, hey man, I don't have cable. Uber trippy man. So yeah like, hey man, I don't have any control at all. I'm just trying to pay the rent and bills dude. That guy like, eats a lot. Which reminds me, you like, owe me some money dude."
"Oops. That last part was for me. Sorry."
The young man tosses the sheaf of paper aside, which is quickly torn asunder by the laughing cat and the tickling chicken.
"At this point viewers, I decided I should talk to The Grape Avenger himself. He has this to say."
The young man clears his throat again and perfectly mimics the voice of The Grape Avenger.
"I do not have time for this right now Hair Man, I am on a quest for Justice and I must defeat Bad Guy, the Spawn of Bad Guy, the Armies of Bad Guy, and any other evil-doers that get in my way of defeating the Doom of All That Is Good and general bad person, Bad Guy."
The young man tosses the sheaf of paper away where it is shredded into bits before it hits the floor, the cat and chicken both laughing insanely.
"I would also like to say to some of our viewers who wrote in that I personally have never even heard of this cream flan fellow or whatever it is he does with them."
He looks off camera.
"What’s a Flan?"
"Kinda like a pie or something I think."
"Oh."
His attention returns to the camera.
"However I would like to point out that the show The Grape Avenger is fictional and I would not recommend our viewers do anything in that show."
He glances around the room.
"Uh....I think that’s it. Thanks for watching. We’ll see what we can do about getting more episodes."
The young longhaired man suddenly begins to levitate and then his otherwise still form begins to bob around in the air. The thin computer finally gets to it's feet with a heavy sigh and walks through an obsidian door and out of the room with the projection of the young man bobbing along before it. The laughing cat and tickling chicken continue to merrily shred bits of paper around the base of the water cooler and hookah in the now otherwise empty room.
THE SEMI-FINAL ADVENTURE OF THE GRAPE AVENGER
“Come Tie-dye boy, I know where Spawn of Bad Guy is. Through Spawn of Bad Guy we can destroy Bad Guy.”
“What? Where? Like, why are you in my room man? Its like, three in the morning dude. Aren’t you supposed to be, like, running around the city like a lunatic right now man?”
“I was patrolling the city for evil, but I found a Clue. Clues are the bane of evil-doers after all. If it wasn’t for the mighty Clue, Evil would walk free. Here is the Clue that came to me, shining in the darkness.”
The Grape Avenger holds out a sheaf of paper that shines brightly in the darkened Bell Tower of Justice. Harp music accompanied by a thousand singing angels suddenly rings throughout the Bell Tower of Justice as the Clue shines with power.
“I am not, like, getting up at three to go to some rally or gathering or demonstration or whatever dude. You, like, need help man. I’m going back to sleep.”
“Evil has sapped your strength Tie-Dye Boy, I understand. This is something that only I can accomplish. Rest sidekick, and become well. I, The Grape Avenger, will defeat Bad Guy once and for all by revealing the Spawn of Bad Guy to the masses!”
The Grape Avenger leaps through the open window of the Bell Tower of Justice and skips off through the green fog, armed with the Grapes of Justice.
“Aw, Dude, like, use the door man. Windows cost money.”
***commercial break***
“Take me to your leader Earthling. There, I said it. This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard of and no way to conduct a war. I don’t care if that’s how they do it there, It’s stupid. ‘duh, take me to your leader, duh’. Why not just obliterate the whole damn ball of muck huh? This is humiliating. We’re a damned interstellar empire!!!! But nooo, we live in an enlightened age. Enlighten this you bunch of xyblaks. Take this to your leader!!!!”
This message brought to you by Alien Invaders Incorporated. Now back to the show.
The Grape Avenger stands at the edge of a huge cavern. Before him is a huge chanting crowd, all a pale green in colour as orange swans fly overhead. At the far side of the raging mass is Spawn of Bad Guy, surrounded by ancient creatures of bone and metal that guard Spawn of Bad Guy. The Grape Avenger wades through the chanting and screaming green people, but they take no notice of him as they scream and chant.
“Did somebody hire a big purple clown?”
“Stand aside or face the wrath of The Grape Avenger!”
“Is he for real?”
The Grape Avenger sweeps the ancient ones aside with one mighty blow as Spawn of Bad Guy comes into view. He whips out a Grape of Justice.
“Oh My God, He’s got a … grape?”
“A grape?”
“What the hell?”
The Grape Avenger touches the Spawn of Bad Guy with the Grape of Justice. Sparks fly as the Magic Spell of Disbelief is shredded into bits of orange pudding by the Grape of Justice. The Heroes of the world can see again. The Grape Avenger towers over the cringing Spawn of Bad Guy.
“Some day I, the Grape Avenger, will bring to Justice the one known as Bad Guy. But for now the Spawn of Bad Guy will do. Come Heroes of the World, and join with me now that I have cast off the Magic Spell of Disbelief from the world”
“Dude, like, get out of my room man. I’m still trying to, like, sleep.”
This story is very ... strange. I'd like to continue this someday but I'm not entirely sure how. ;D
So without further ado .. I bring you ...
The Grape Avenger
by TJ McQuarrie (2000)
"No more, I can't remember no more of what, but that doesn't matter any more. For I am the Grape Avenger."
The scene cuts to a close up of a deeply purple grape.
"Beware evil doers, for this grape shall end your reign of terror!!!!"
**commercial break**
"Do you have sticky hair? We at the Hair Institute feel your pain and have just the solution. WASH YOUR HAIR!!!!. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger lurks in his bell tower, on alert for crime.
"Say, I never noticed how dusty this bell tower is....or how many bats are in here. Hey, BEAT IT, don't you have a manic depressive guys cave to hang upside down in or something."
Our hero is still waving his arms about, even though the bats have long since flown away, when a young longhaired man in a tie-dyed t-shirt enters the bell tower.
"Hey man, whatcha doin"
"I'm waving my arms about, Tie-dye Boy"
"No man, I'm mean like...why dude?"
"To get rid of the bats of course."
"Like, what bats man?"
"Ah HA, see the effectiveness of my plan. All the bats have fled. I shall add this to the Tactics of a Low Budget Superheroes Handbook that I'm writing. Catchy title, don't you think?"
"Uh."
The Grape Avenger and Tie-dye boy stand silently without moving for a very long time.
**Commercial break**
"Are you mentally ill? If the answer is yes then you should run for political office."
"This message brought to you by the Foundation for a Sane Earth Society. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger and Tie-dye boy are still standing motionless.
"Well?"
"Well what man?"
"I forget. Say sidekick, I think its time to fight some crime."
"I ain't your sidekick man."
"Then why are you in my Bell tower."
"This isn't a bell tower man, this the beach. Are you okay dude? Do you want me to like, call you a lifeguard or something?"
"Since somebody seems to have hit you on the head with a large mallet Tie-dye Boy, I think I'll let you skip your crime fighting duties today."
"Whatever man."
Tie-dye Boy dives out the window of the bell tower and swims away through the sky.
**Commercial break**
"Are you tired of annoying commercial breaks like this one, if so we at the Irritating Gadgets for Commercials Headquarters have just the thing for you. With the mere flip of a switch you can release a pack of rabid wolverines on steroids into the studios of the commercial broadcaster. We have found that this is a very ... hey .. what was.. OH MY GOD NO...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES...THE WOLVERINES ARE LOOSE......Now back to the show!"
The Grape Avenger gathers his Mystical Slingshot and the bucket of Never-Ending Grapes before standing in the window, teetering on the edge of the sill with the Mystical Slingshot raised up towards the green sky.
"Beware evil doer...for I know who you are!"
"Stay away from the crazy man Honey."
"Yes mommy."
"When Tie-Dye Boy was struck senseless, I knew something was wrong. But my grape instincts tell me that this is the work of the Bad Guy. I shall defeat you Bad Guy, and restore this city to its senses."
"Did he get hit in the head?"
"I don't know man, he was like, talking at me earlier. I think he escaped from the loony bin or something dude."
"Are you alright mister? I'm a lifeguard, do you need an ambulance or the police?"
"Mer-man!!! You've come to aid me!!"
"Told ya this dude was like, out there...."
**narrator**
Will the Grape Avenger find Bad Guy before it's too late?
Will Tie-Dye Boy come to his senses as the Avenger hopes?
Is Mer-Man really going to help the Grape Avenger or is he an agent of Bad Guy?
Find out next week when DLTV brings you another episode of....
THE GRAPE AVENGER!!!!!
Same Grape time.
Same Grape Channel.
*******A word from the Studio*******
A fat greasy man is sitting at a large plastic desk, in a large plastic chair, while looking at a large piece of plastic on the plastic desk. He raises his hand and waves as he smokes a large plastic cigar.
"Hi there viewers. After finally watching The Grape Avenger, I've decided that it needs some changes. For one...all that purple is really hard on the eyes. Another thing that bothers me is that I can't follow the story. I realize that I may not be 'young' and 'hip', but this stuff makes no sense at all. The fact that it is really hard to inject product placement into the delusional world of this so-called superhero and make that product look good is bad for marketing which is bad for programming. It goes back to the purple thing I mentioned earlier......hey, what the....you're not supposed to wander around in costume...."
The fat man in the plastic chair behind the plastic desk is suddenly bombarded by a million small purple objects flying in from off-screen, burying him underneath a mountain of the sticky purpley gooey splattered grapes.
"The Grape Avenger Strikes Again, Come on Tie-dye boy. Let us go find more evil doers!"
"Dude, you got grapes all over my TV...."
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF THE GRAPE AVENGER
Deep ominous purple background, with a single grape coming into focus. A narrators voice whispers ominously.
"Tonight’s episode, Spawn of the Bad Guy."
The Grape Avenger stands at the only window looking out of the dusty Bell Tower of Freedom and takes a deep breath as a hail of flaming meteorites pummel the earth outside.
"Ah, this city is beautiful at night isn't it Mer-man?"
"Listen fella, I've been really nice up till now but you really have to go. The beach is closed."
"You're right Mer-man, I should go on patrol. You keep the Bell Tower of Freedom safe from evil-doers."
"Uh right."
The Grape Avenger leaps from the window of the Bell Tower of Freedom and swims off through the sky, towards Megasuburbia City.
***Commercial break***
"Do you have fly away hair? If so, we at the Hair Institute have a solution for the problem of flyaway hair. Admit you are bald and stop wearing 'toupees' already. Everyone can tell. It really looks bad. Contact us today and we'll give a discount on haircuts for victims of the comb over. Now back to the show"
The Grape Avenger stands on a cliffside, looking down at Megasuburbia City. In one hand he holds the Mystical Slingshot ready, in the other a single grape. Below him, the city teems with life.
"Behold, the Grape of Justice. With this grape I shall put an end to the Bad Guy once and for all. None can stand before the awesome power of the Grape of Justice."
The Grape Avenger looks into the camera and smiles.
"And I have a whole Bucket of them."
The Grape Avenger leaps from the cliff and glides gently into the city, on the lookout for Evildoers.
"Hey, look out you idiot, this is the Bike path. People on foot walk over there you moron."
"You're welcome young fellow, It's nice to be appreciated for fighting the Bad Guy. I'll make sure to mention you in my upcoming book, The Tactics of a Low Budget Superheroes Handbook."
"Freakin loon."
"Since everything seems normal here, I believe I'll head into the rougher part of town and patrol there. Obviously, some other superhero is patrolling here."
The Grape Avenger walks down the orange trail winding through the giant mushrooms.
**Commercial break**
"Surprise"
"Die Scum!!"
A machine gun rat-at-at-tats loudly. Lights come on and there are bloody dead people with party hats strewn about a room filled with happy birthday signs, party streamers, and a large birthday cake. A voice intones in the background.
"Think you've made a terrible mistake? We here at the Holy Rolling Evangelical Corpse Raising Company can help. No Job is too small. We can fix those little mistakes. Trust us. Special discount if you are 'associated' with Machine Gun Bob. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger stands outside the rougher part of town, which is a large grey prison. Inside a monstrous television screen towers over everything else, dwarfing the cowering peasants chained to chairs before it. He looks around but can't find any way past the iron bars. Then a face appears..The Face of Horror.
"Bad Guy."
Another face appears beside the Face of Horror, but The Grape Avenger looks confused. Both are waving to a large crowd of people who are waving banners painted with green blood.
"Bad Guy has an Army. This is very bad. And that creature beside Bad Guy...It looks familiar..and yet so different..Oh no....it can't be. The world is in more trouble than I thought. Something very wrong has happened...I MUST find Tie-dye boy and cure him. I will need his help. Back to the Bell Tower of Freedom."
"What was that honey?"
"I don't know. I'm watching the news...stop bugging me."
***Commercial break***
Blip
Blip
Blip
Booooooooooooooooooop
"This message has been brought to you by the people at Blipblipblipboop. Have a nice day. Now back to the show."
The Grape Avenger arrives back at the Bell Tower of Justice just in time to find Tie-dye boy lounging on the Couch of Justice with someone unfamiliar.
"Tie-Dye Boy, come we must go quickly!"
"What the..."
"Oh maaaaan....it's like, that freak I was telling you about dude."
"I have terrible news Tie-dye boy, the most terrible of all."
"Look dude, I'm like, NOT your sidekick man."
"How can this be, after all we've been through together and now this. It must be the work of Bad Guy. I must find a cure for Tie-Dye Boy and then we can fight the Armies of Bad Guy together."
"This guy is trippy."
"Dude, this guy is like, uber trippy."
"I WILL Defeat the Armies of Bad Guy and face this new minion of evil that Bad Guy hides behind. Not even the SPAWN OF BAD GUY can stand before the might of The Grape Avenger."
***Narrator***
Will The Grape Avenger cure Tie-Dye boy?
And who is this mysterious stranger with our hero’s sidekick?
Will the Grape Avenger be able to wade through the hordes of the Spawn of Bad Guy and defeat the evildoers?
Will he ever come face to face with Bad Guy?
Find out next week when DLTV brings you another episode of....
THE GRAPE AVENGER!!!!!
Same Grape time.
Same Grape Channel.
***A word from DLTV***
A young longhaired man is sitting on the floor in the middle of a large and mostly empty room. Before him on the floor is a laptop computer that glows ominously. No wires come from or go to the thin little computer. To his right is a wide multi-coloured hookah that stands four feet tall with a huge bowl in the top. A thin hose comes from the pipe and is curled neatly around the base. To his left is a water cooler. Behind him a large crimson chicken is scampering after a blue cat in order to tickle it.
"Hi. In this time between episodes of The Grape Avenger we here at Dark Light Television would like to address the concerns of a few of our viewers."
The young man pulls a sheaf of paper out of thin air and holds it up to read.
"The official statement is this. The Grape Avenger is an independent show which we here at Dark Light Television have no control over in terms of content."
The sheaf of paper is tossed aside where it is quickly shredded by the laughing cat as the chicken tickles it. The young man makes another sheaf of paper appear out of thin air.
"So we took our viewers concerns to the producers of the show and they released the following statement."
The young man sits a little straighter and suddenly looks very official. He clears his throat and begins.
"Look dude, for some reason my TV like, started showing me what this freaky guy, who was following me around, was seeing man. I thought like, hey I should like, record this man, otherwise the cable company wouldn't believe me dude. So I like, started doing that and I thought, hey man, I don't have cable. Uber trippy man. So yeah like, hey man, I don't have any control at all. I'm just trying to pay the rent and bills dude. That guy like, eats a lot. Which reminds me, you like, owe me some money dude."
"Oops. That last part was for me. Sorry."
The young man tosses the sheaf of paper aside, which is quickly torn asunder by the laughing cat and the tickling chicken.
"At this point viewers, I decided I should talk to The Grape Avenger himself. He has this to say."
The young man clears his throat again and perfectly mimics the voice of The Grape Avenger.
"I do not have time for this right now Hair Man, I am on a quest for Justice and I must defeat Bad Guy, the Spawn of Bad Guy, the Armies of Bad Guy, and any other evil-doers that get in my way of defeating the Doom of All That Is Good and general bad person, Bad Guy."
The young man tosses the sheaf of paper away where it is shredded into bits before it hits the floor, the cat and chicken both laughing insanely.
"I would also like to say to some of our viewers who wrote in that I personally have never even heard of this cream flan fellow or whatever it is he does with them."
He looks off camera.
"What’s a Flan?"
"Kinda like a pie or something I think."
"Oh."
His attention returns to the camera.
"However I would like to point out that the show The Grape Avenger is fictional and I would not recommend our viewers do anything in that show."
He glances around the room.
"Uh....I think that’s it. Thanks for watching. We’ll see what we can do about getting more episodes."
The young longhaired man suddenly begins to levitate and then his otherwise still form begins to bob around in the air. The thin computer finally gets to it's feet with a heavy sigh and walks through an obsidian door and out of the room with the projection of the young man bobbing along before it. The laughing cat and tickling chicken continue to merrily shred bits of paper around the base of the water cooler and hookah in the now otherwise empty room.
THE SEMI-FINAL ADVENTURE OF THE GRAPE AVENGER
“Come Tie-dye boy, I know where Spawn of Bad Guy is. Through Spawn of Bad Guy we can destroy Bad Guy.”
“What? Where? Like, why are you in my room man? Its like, three in the morning dude. Aren’t you supposed to be, like, running around the city like a lunatic right now man?”
“I was patrolling the city for evil, but I found a Clue. Clues are the bane of evil-doers after all. If it wasn’t for the mighty Clue, Evil would walk free. Here is the Clue that came to me, shining in the darkness.”
The Grape Avenger holds out a sheaf of paper that shines brightly in the darkened Bell Tower of Justice. Harp music accompanied by a thousand singing angels suddenly rings throughout the Bell Tower of Justice as the Clue shines with power.
“I am not, like, getting up at three to go to some rally or gathering or demonstration or whatever dude. You, like, need help man. I’m going back to sleep.”
“Evil has sapped your strength Tie-Dye Boy, I understand. This is something that only I can accomplish. Rest sidekick, and become well. I, The Grape Avenger, will defeat Bad Guy once and for all by revealing the Spawn of Bad Guy to the masses!”
The Grape Avenger leaps through the open window of the Bell Tower of Justice and skips off through the green fog, armed with the Grapes of Justice.
“Aw, Dude, like, use the door man. Windows cost money.”
***commercial break***
“Take me to your leader Earthling. There, I said it. This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard of and no way to conduct a war. I don’t care if that’s how they do it there, It’s stupid. ‘duh, take me to your leader, duh’. Why not just obliterate the whole damn ball of muck huh? This is humiliating. We’re a damned interstellar empire!!!! But nooo, we live in an enlightened age. Enlighten this you bunch of xyblaks. Take this to your leader!!!!”
This message brought to you by Alien Invaders Incorporated. Now back to the show.
The Grape Avenger stands at the edge of a huge cavern. Before him is a huge chanting crowd, all a pale green in colour as orange swans fly overhead. At the far side of the raging mass is Spawn of Bad Guy, surrounded by ancient creatures of bone and metal that guard Spawn of Bad Guy. The Grape Avenger wades through the chanting and screaming green people, but they take no notice of him as they scream and chant.
“Did somebody hire a big purple clown?”
“Stand aside or face the wrath of The Grape Avenger!”
“Is he for real?”
The Grape Avenger sweeps the ancient ones aside with one mighty blow as Spawn of Bad Guy comes into view. He whips out a Grape of Justice.
“Oh My God, He’s got a … grape?”
“A grape?”
“What the hell?”
The Grape Avenger touches the Spawn of Bad Guy with the Grape of Justice. Sparks fly as the Magic Spell of Disbelief is shredded into bits of orange pudding by the Grape of Justice. The Heroes of the world can see again. The Grape Avenger towers over the cringing Spawn of Bad Guy.
“Some day I, the Grape Avenger, will bring to Justice the one known as Bad Guy. But for now the Spawn of Bad Guy will do. Come Heroes of the World, and join with me now that I have cast off the Magic Spell of Disbelief from the world”
“Dude, like, get out of my room man. I’m still trying to, like, sleep.”